Oh For Cryin’ Out Loud

So earlier I wrote what could easily be published as a novel. I was releasing emotions, I was expressing opinions, and I was kind of down.

Then, for some crazy reason, I get a pop up that says “Are you sure you want to navigate from this page? If not, hit cancel”. So I hit cancel.

It takes me to the dashboard.

No worries! Blogger autosaves my drafts, right???


Apparantly this particular blog was not worth saving. (Although it’s autosaving this one.)

You know how you call someone, and you are talking, and you finally just go off and start going on and on about something, only to find out that one of you lost your signal and you’ve been talking to no one for 5 minutes? Then you feel all unresolved, and you debate whether it’s worth the whole deal again or not, but you didn’t actually get to vent, so you are still not satisfied?

That’s how I feel.

So I can remember some of the things I covered. I was expressing feelings. I remember that. So I’ll start there.

I’m feeling down tonight. Perhaps it is that I’m exhausted. Perhaps it’s because a certain real estate agent feels the need to make me feel inferior and like I don’t work, even though I’ve outsold this person two years in a row. Maybe it’s the fears about going back to school. Stress over a math test (never EVER a good thing for me.). The doubts that run through my mind about Ollie and if I’m doing a good job as a mom, and what the effects of him always being with me are. For some reason I’m terrified that we are together too much. Will I be one of those moms who bawls when he starts kindergarden? Or will I have to fight to not home school him for my own selfish reasons? Am I creating a “clingy” child? He goes everywhere with me, and if he can’t, I don’t have much use for it. (Makes going to school a little harder…) Will I ever be able to leave him without feeling like I might throw up?

I know the answer to that question. Eventually, yes, I will be able to leave him. I was even that way with Nick. When he went back to California to get his stuff, he was gone for a month. When he got back, he moved into his apartment in Brooklyn Park. I went down to visit from Duluth. I didn’t go back. I couldn’t. The thought of being away from him for who knows how long made me feel like I was going to die. Would I have actually died? Probably not. But it was worth it. A distance relationship for two years would not have been pleasant. Of course we were both young and stupid. He insisted on going to “the best” welding school, only to discover that he hated welding. I was happy at UMD… when he was around. If he would have gone to school in Duluth/Superior, I think life would have been good, and I think we both would have college degrees right now. Then again, I kind of think that teaching music is not for me. I find those who do it because their parents make them or they want to go on a band trip more than infuriating. I take it a little too seriously to be teaching it, I guess.

School is terrifying, but I’m motivated. I have so many different reasons to be. From the severe lack of money and hope of money in this household, to the economy, to wanting Ollie to have a way to go to college, to wanting Nick to be able to farm, to wanting to change the world (I always have that goal…), to loving women’s rights, to being passionate about choices during labor. I could go on and on. Not that I hate real estate, but this market is going to be down for a while. I might as well do something like go to school with some serious federal grants instead of sitting on my butt waiting for the day years from now that I can effortlessly make money in real estate. And sure, it’s not all about money. But I’m not going to lie – I had such a large negative amount of income last year it’s pathetic. This year will be better, because I am not paying RE/MAX $1,500 a month in fees, but it’s still pathetic.

Yet I’m terrified. I’m terrified that I’m not smart enough. I’m worried that time will be an issue. I’m not patient, and have to be careful not to overload myself like I have in the past. (You know I was taking 26 credits at UMD? Yeah…) I’m worried time will get away from me, and a six year degree will take much longer. I’m worried about getting into nursing programs. I’m worried about getting a job. Let’s say I get in with a hospital, but am the only midwife. That’s quite a burden to take on… on call 24/7. And can I really give proper care when the full moon comes around and everyone starts rushing into the hospital? (Any midwife will tell you that a full moon sends women into labor… I’ve read it like 6 different places now, besides the fact that it happened with me. I was the start of a string of 18 women to give birth in less than 3 days during a full moon. It was INSANE.)

That’s the hard part about being a midwife. In Cambridge, anyway, they stay with the woman the entire time they are in labor. What do you do when you have more than one? I should ask Rhonda. I’m sure they’ve had more than two in at a time before…

I’m also concerned that I won’t like it once I get into it. But I’m trying to figure out the worst part. Amniotic fluid isn’t scary. Nor is blood. And once you’ve been through labor, it’s all so minor and normal, you really don’t care that if it was a flesh wound, you’d probably be dead by now. (At least that’s what I kept thinking when I was in labor. Not sure how I lived through that!)

This career path could mean so much for this family. I would get to do something awesome that I want to do. Nick would get to farm and be home when the kids got off the bus. Ollie and his siblings would have money for college. And maybe, just maybe, we could afford to keep the thermostat above 55 degrees. (Ollie’s room is always 72, and whatever room he is in is kept warm, too. It’s just the rest of the house that’s freezing ass cold.)

Well, even though this wasn’t as in depth or as long, I feel better. Besides, I just found 41 infected cookies on my computer. Fantastic. Some of them appear to be from those survey/ad things to get more bingo credits. Lesson learned. A few of them are from blogs and statcounter… which pisses me off. WTF is statcounter doing giving me infected cookies? Not sure about the other ones. Some may be attempted theme/ringtone downloads for my Blackberry. Stupid forums.

So I need to be more careful. Will do.

I have to pee. Goodnight folks.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Becky M.
    Dec 03, 2008 @ 01:45:00

    All you wories are totally normal! Ollie will grow up and be fine, so will you!! Your so smart, don’t keep cutting yourself so short! 🙂


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