Facebook Statuses of the Year!

There’s a new facebook application that picks statuses from 2010 and makes a “Year in 2010”.  Looking over my statuses brings back some laughs.  Just thought I’d share.

February:

Joslyn thinks morning sickness is the best thing ever.  I’m pretty sure I only want to be pregnant with boys from here on out, so I don’t have to deal with this.

March:

Joslyn has one of those funny Ollie things to remember.  Today he is shoving toys under my butt to hide them, and then saying “Where’d it go?”  Not sure if I should be offended or not, but it’s keeping him entertained, anyway.

EUC – 18 month old.  Heavy.  Stubborn.  Termperamental.  Make offer.  May be willing to ship.

Ollie is stacking blocks and saying “Two… two… two…” with each one.

Ollie used the potty today!  He told us he needed to go and everything!  All by himself!  YAY!

Joslyn’s kid just shoved a dirty sock into her water glass.  Seriously, wtf?  Where does he get these ideas?

Two weeks left and I still haven’t packed a hospital bag, set up the bassinet, or picked out a name (names).  How does it go so much faster the second time???

Nick’s anticipated time of arrival in Walker – 9 AM.  Time I fully expect to go into active labor all by myself, 9:30.  (Perhaps if I anticipate it, it won’t happen… right?)

Joslyn is a mean, mean wife.  I just punked my husband – texted him and told him my water broke.  (It didn’t)  Fun news when you’re 3.5 hours away!

Joslyn loves how every letter on the fridge is “C”, “M”, or “I”.

Dear Unnamed Child in my Stomach – This notice serves as my intent to offer you cash for keys for a successful and complete move out of the property you are currently occupying.  Property must be left in broom swept condition, with no major repairs needed.  If you do not accept this offer, steps toward eviction will occur.  Please make an immediate effort to work this out with us.  Thank you for your consideration!

April:

Someone forgot to give the baby the memo that today was a good day for a birthday.

Joslyn thinks it’s hilarious when Ollie sees something shiny he points and yells “HINEY!” as loud as he can.

She’s here! She’s here!  She has no name yet, but she’s here!

Okay, Emmie, momma has faith in you.  You slept for seven hours straight last night… can we do it again???

Joslyn was impressed with Ollie today.  Super good with Emma, is really trying hard with his counting, is getting amazing with his colors, and is adding so many new words and phrases!  Today he even said “I want to go home.  Let’s go see Emmie”  Being a mom is so fun!

Joslyn is having identity issues.  Now I’m suddenly lighter than I’ve been in six years, drinking coffee, and a hardcore mom.  It’s kind of throwing me off…

Joslyn has it figured out.  Lots of loud noise = sleeping baby.  Silence = unhappy, awake, crying baby.

Joslyn is having a heavy debate with Ollie over Spiderman’s status as a robot.  He insists that Spiderman is a robot, I’m insisting he isn’t.

Joslyn has a kid asleep on her shoulder, and another leaning against her sucking his thumb while we watch Bolt together.  Life is good.

Joslyn got the lovely idea to take a shower while everyone else was asleep.  So what happens?  The cat spends the entire length of my shower trying to dig his way through the shower door because he wants my attention.

Joslyn just caught her son happily chewing on a pink pacifier.  Cue explanation about pacifiers being for babies and Ollie being a big boy….

No human mother should have a perfectly scheduled dream child the first time, who sleeps all night long from the day he’s born, followed by a completely random, unscheduled munchkin the second time.

Joslyn may be giving away a toddler on freecycle.  I think he’s defective.  He throws lots of tantrums.

Emmaline, mommy adores the fact that you slept for SEVEN HOURS STRAIGHT last night, and even better – SO DID MOM!!!

Joslyn got the kids all dressed and went for a nice walk today.  The double jogging stroller is the best purchase I’ve made this year, I swear.

Joslyn just watched Emmaline roll onto her tummy, then onto her back, then onto her tummy again.  You know, I thought maybe I’d actually have a baby this time… but maybe I was wrong.

Joslyn loves when Ollie poops on the toilet and then whispers “oooohhhhhh…… good boy!”  (TMI?  Sorry….)

Ollie, sitting on the couch, turns and gives me that naughty half grin, quickly stands up, and deliberately WALKS OFF THE COUCH.  He falls face first onto the floor, and then starts bawling and saying “I’m okay, I’m okay….”  More attention seeking?  What a nut.

Joslyn did the two-kids-one-bath thing tonight.  Other than the screaming, splashing, and peeing, it went well.

May:

Nick – “Don’t worry, by the time we have the next one, you’ll have two great kids to help you.”  Me – “What are you going to do with OUR kids?”  Nick – “I don’t know yet….”

Ollie is pointing at random letters on my keyboard and saying “A, L, C, Q….”

Joslyn has two unhappy kids, a cat that just puked all over my carpet, taxes to finish, a PA to get finalized, a house to rekey, and an all day seminar tomorrow.  I’m beginning to think that the seminar is a nice though,2 but simply not feasible at this time….

Full cup of coffee, loud car stereo and an hour kid free – a refreshed mommy!

Em has this laugh thing she does when she’s excited, and she sounds like she’s hyperventilating.  Anyone who knows me well can testify after hearing it that she is my daughter.  Poor Emmie, going to be a dork like her mommy.  🙂

The car wash makes my kid bite his nails.

Joslyn is a supporter of multi-tasking, which is why I’m drinking coffee in the shower.

June:

Ollie keeps asking where “Rose and Datt” are.

Who knew that a psychotic woodpecker that thinks my window is a tree would TOTALLY make Ollie’s day???

Joslyn is now taking volunteers to wash her dishes, shampoo her carpet and wash clothes.  I cannot pay you.  So get that idea out of your head.

Joslyn hopes everyone had a fantastic Mother’s Day today!  I don’t know how I got so lucky… two great kids and a husband who is crazy enough to think I’m a good mom!

When caught doing something naughty, Oliver looks at me innocently and says “What did Emmie do???”  Um, do you mean the two month old lying on the floor 6 feet away?  Probably not.

Joslyn’s daughter just snorted while she was laughing.  I think it’s soooo cute, but I feel a little sorry for her at the same time.

Joslyn wonders if it was abuse when people duct-taped her to the wall in band.  If not, is it abuse if I do it to my toddler?

Ollie: “A bath?”  “No” “Yeah?” “No”  “Yeah?”  “No” “YES?” “No” “Ollie take a bath?”  “No” “YESSSSSSSSSSSSS” “No” “Look, an ant!”  Yes, my kid is easily distracted.

Ollie’s first mosquito attack.  “What’s this?”  (Pointing to the mosquito on his arm, perfectly content) “Mosquito”  “Ohhhhhhhhhh.  Hi mosqui….. OW!  OW! NO NO NO NO NO MOSQUITO!!!”

Joslyn had a rough mommy day.  First Ollie says “Mommy, Emmie’s pretty”, and then I put him to bed in a big boy bed for the first time.  It is sad and exciting all at the same time.

Ollie is calling our pineapple an “apple tree”.  🙂

Okay, I know I’m constantly doing weird things like eating dinner in the shower or using my Blackberry in the shower… but is having a glass of wine in the shower just going too far?

Joslyn and Emmie are debating many serious things, like politics and if size 1 diapers will ever fit her.

July:

“Ollie, how many times have I told you NOT to do that?”  “One hundred?”    Who taught him THAT one???

Joslyn has a very considerate little boy.  He called Briggy from the backseat to see if she was cold.  What a nice boy, calling the kitty!

Ollie is reading a story to himself.  It is apparently all about Emmie.  Wait, let me correct that.  It’s all about all the things Emmie does wrong.  “Oh, no no Emmie.  Naughty Emmie. Oh, Emmie, what did you DO?”

Joslyn had fun teaching Ollie that ANYONE can have a time out, and that mom is not exempt.  Mom also likes the minute for every year of age rule, and that dad threatened to double her time out if she didn’t behave.  Sit in the corner all by myself being quiet for twice my age’s worth of minutes? How is that a punishment???

Joslyn realized it’s July.  July is the month in which my son was born.  This means my son is turning two.  I’m not okay with that.  In fact, I’m taking his birthday away.

August:

“Oh, cute Emmie.  So cute Emmie.  what did you do, naughty Emmie?  So cute.”  Seriously.  What is going through his head?

Joslyn’s son has a one track mind today.  “Grandma and Grandpa and firework?  Firework?  Firework?  FFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRKKKKK????”

There’s an invisible dinosaur in Ollie’s room and he keeps telling me he’s scared.  He won’t sleep, just cries.  What on Earth do I do?  I’ve tried chasing him off, taking him bye bye, making him leave….

Does anybody know why when I blow a kiss at Ollie he says “Icky mosquito!”???

September:

“Ollie, do you want to go to the doctor today?”  No, I want to go to the zoo.”  Nice try, kid.

According to a height predictor, Ollie will be 6’6” at 18.  That’s more than a foot taller than me. I’m going to be that mom in the photos that is a shrimp compared to her son.

Joslyn’s baby is five months old today, and for her 5 month birthday she decided to start scooting – although so far it’s only backwards.

Joslyn’s daughter has now figured out how to move forward.  Boy, am I in for it now!

Joslyn wants to apologize in advance to Emmie’s huband someday for her horrible attitude before she gets her breakfast every morning.  The sweet little thing becomes a very angry and vocal little girl until after breakfast.

Ollie is now repeating everything my Garmin says.  When he starts doing it in a feminine voice with a British accent it may be too much.

Emmie loves it when I sing “Single Ladies” to her. She laughs hysterically.  What a fruit loop.

Joslyn is going to hemorrhage some money.  In other words, I’m going to buy diapers.

October:

“Mom, you listen.  I want fireworks.  Wait.  More Diego?”

Joslyn has a son that is more than happy to share that he is “going to give mommy a stroke”.  LOL

Emmie finally has a diaper box worth of clothes she has outgrown.  It blows my mind, because Ollie filled his first box by a week old.  It took Emmie six months.

Joslyn is packing up the small 4T clothes.  This is getting insane.

“Your sister is crazy, just like you Ollie.”  Brown eyes look up and reply “just like YOU, mommy!”  I’ve never seen Nick laugh so hard.

November:

Joslyn has a toddler with endless tears tonight.  I wish I could fix whatever is wrong….

Joslyn is taking her kid to the doctor.  I would buy him ice cream, a pony and his own country if it would make him feel better.  Luckily he will not be spoiled – I can only afford the ice cream.

It’s the worst feeling in the world when your kids are sick, but it’s the best feeling in the world when they just want you to cuddle then because you are mommy.  🙂

Joslyn just watched her 7 month old crawl across the floor to the toy bins and pull every toy out, one by one.  Now I have two kids who dump toys all over!

If you could bottle whine and sell it, Ollie would leave me a very rich woman today.

Dear Oliver,
Screaming bloody murder anytime Emmie simply looks at one of your toys, much less crawls towards it, is beyond annoying.  Please stop, before your mom goes crazy. 
With much love,
Your mother

There is a waterpark outside the window and my child asks to go to daycare.  Seriously????

December:

My daughter is a Yipiyuk.  (Who gets this reference?  Just me?)

Joslyn has to cuddle her daughter every time the man in bright orange comes into the house, because apparently he’s terrifying.

It never fails – you have a hard day with your toddler, feel so frustrated, go through his baby pictures, and then feel like the #1 worst mom on the planet for being mad at him.  Yay.

A fabulous time was had by all (well, the two of us) when Ollie and I frolicked outside while Emmie napped.  Now mommy is extra drained and Ollie is wore out, but it was worth it!

I’m going to place everything that is mine on the floor and put all of the kid’s toys out of reach so that they are interested in their own toys for once.

Off to First Aid/CPR certification, where I will learn how to keep my daughter from choking on all the stuff she shoves in her mouth and bandage all of my crazy son’s wounds.

Listening to the conversation between my son and husband in the bathroom.  “No, Ollie, you have to SIT to go poopie…. you can’t stand up and go poopie.”  “Ollie want to stand!!!”

Joslyn has the best son ever.  He’s pretending to cook me dinner, and has brought me a chocolate mocha.  What more could a mommy need?

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